somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
He yelled GOOOOAAAALLL when he came.
That's the secret to virgins: blizzards.
yeah bitch needs to recognize there's only one person with this face
he came over wasted, used the bathroom, drank some water, and fell asleep holding my hand. what kind of a fuck buddy does that??
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
And i'll likely end up sleeping in a bush wrapped up in my poncho
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
Randomize
