I hate you but I'm not in hate with you
I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
Its already bleeding so dont be alarmed after you bite it
the facebook you made of my ass has 10 times more friends than i do.
ill do whatever it takes for me to get more high and eat pie
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
its just been over 12 hours, and i`m dying, don`t know how i`m supposed to survive the holidays sexless
He came over apologized for his lack of sexual skills. Cleaned my kitchen cooked me dinner. And gave me another one minute stand. I think im okay with this
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
He showed up to a booty call with 2 tea bags, but no condom...
Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90's and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
Randomize
