if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
She looked like cheddar but tasted like limburger...
for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
Someone wrote Kyle's bitch on me too. I dont even know who Kyle is.
I come back home for break and my room is full of weed either my parents really love me or they are having more fun then I am in college
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
I just got hit with cramps and found a mystery pill. I'm gonna stay put for an hour and at least see what happens.
Yeah we invited her back for chicken nugget sandwiches
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
He skipped an important family function with his dying father to fuck me. Terrible human, amazing fuck buddy.
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
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