I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
everyday i become more and more impressed with my facebook stalking skills
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
He also has a monumental penis. It's unbelieveable. I'm sorry but he's perfect.
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
The upside of a losing football weekend is that there are more sad frat boys willing to let loose their inner gay man.
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
We were apparently using marine hand signals to communicate to one another where to meet up in the house to hook up.
Didn't even know I knew marine hand signals.
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
The appetizer at the dinner I went to tonight was Klonopin and a Bloody Mary.
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
Her mom came in and passed out drunk on the floor next to us while she was riding me, "it's all good, she does this all the time" is what she said
We had sex on a couch that was held together by Velcro. Want to know an unsexy sound? Velcro ripping apart under your bare ass.
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