i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
you seemed to enjoy falling down hill
wow, never heard the last few months of my life put so succint
All I remember is intermittent flashes of being passed out on the side of the road 3 or 4 different times. And telling him to just leave me there and I would walk home in the morning.
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
Well I checked the bush outside his apartment building this morning, and he wasn't there... So I knew he was home.
Is cat milk safe for human consumption?
Just a couple of adults talking about cum shots at 8am on presidents day
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
we've never stayed at a party for more than an hour. we always end up at a pizzaria. by ourselves. with no friends.
what else are best friends for?
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
Woke up next to a slice if pizza. From what i can tell I tried to plug it into my phone charger. No more blackout wednesdays for this girl.
Randomize
