alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
We just spray painted his balls while he is passed out....I cant wait to see him try to figure this out in the morning.
He has been begging me for a Bj but doesnt want to get mono
How is he gunna get mono? is he gunna suck on his dick after you?
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
you know you go to a catholic school when you are rollin a joint with matthew 14:1-12
Let's just say that watching the sunrise in a space helmet is really the only way to do it.
Jk. Anyone who everbeers with me is my type.
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
So high that I just walked into class, late, sat down in my desk, and tried to buckle my seatbelt.
I'm starting to notice a direct correlation between blackouts and broken bones...
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Randomize
