Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
the only thing he could say in english were 'insert coin here' and 'game over'. i love spanish men.
and yes, the jail cell in Citi Field does have a big Mets symbol in it
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
I am going to make your legs soar from cumming so much
Like they're going to fly away?
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
She said she'll drive over, bang, and then head home. It's like ordering a pizza.
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
She is currently drunk and caressing my professor's face with one hand.
I'm worried because he hasn't removed it.
Dude Carly, it's like, inconvinent how often you cause me to have an erection
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
well you're talking to a woman who had glorious sex less than 24 hrs ago so my opinion is biased.
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Randomize
