thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
I don't know if you remember, but I was only wearing an afghan.
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
This is how baked we were last night. Our drinking game: We stare at each other; first one to laugh drinks.
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
I just singed the hair in my nose trying to re-light a joint. now all i can smell is burnt hair. day ruiner
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
The dysfunction is strong in this one.
You tried to ride his dick and fell off. Then tried to ride the floor. That's why he hasn't called back
Guy just walked in with a 40 and a Honda steering wheel. Where the fuck am I?
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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