Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
You asked the officer if he could bring you to the same jail as T.I.
I had sex with him, and then he gave me a $5 Starbucks gift card. Totally worth it
no, i'm not a lesbian.. i just really want to fuck you while drinking, thats normal in a friendship.
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
i realized really quickly that drinking a bottle of vodka and 3 crystal light packets wasn't the best idea i've ever had
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
currently taking a solo cab to the strip club at 1 in the morning. this is healthy.
High moment. Almost just passed the blunt to the dog.
If me getting shot doesn't get me pussy I am officially gay
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
Dude I used amphetamines responsibly today though. I snorted one in the am for work and then chewed one in the pm for other work. I'm an adult.
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Randomize
