also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
Just spent 3 hours on the Mcdonalds website. I don't know what to do with myself now that college is over.
You were doing downward dog and puking off my deck at the same time.
I feel I need to conquer him. He's six ft eight and 265lbs. Its like the mount Everest of sex.
I found a wheel chair. there is now a high chance im going to be fired from this job
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
when the song champagne showers came on you poured some kids beer over his head... while giving him a lap dance
At orientation, some girl is asking, loudly, where she can get weed. Everyone looks discussed but are paying very close attention to people's answers.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
i just wanna know who wrote "dibbz" on my ass?
As much as I hate to admit it, some day ill need a man because I can't open jars myself and you can't 69 a dildo
Like I don't even know how to respond to this?
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
She yelled Carpe Diem when she orgasmed. Is it too early to marry her?
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