Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
nothing screams I HAVE A PROBLEM! like the case of miller lite sitting on top of my DUI papers in the passenger seat of my car. lol
apparently smacking a customer in the face with his iPhone was not part of the WOW factor we learned in training...
His shirt was in the kitchen sink this morning, I'm pretty sure my roommates know.
just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
He tipped the stripper with quarters. After that not even the waitress would talk to us. I had to move to another table to get a lapdance
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
We got to the second bar and all he kept saying was "I'm on an alcohol safari!" Best 21st birthday ever.
Black out Jordan is making huge strides. I didn't even pee on anyone or anything last night.
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
Randomize
