Is Jonathan Taylor Thomas a gay? I need you to google search it for me. Its important
i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
well I already know I'm going to hell, at this point it's really go big or go home
He asked us to wake him up with a strobe light. We had it going in front of his face full power for half and hour and he didn't even blink.
I am having the most awesome nonsexual conversation about my vagina right now
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
I had to fake it. He was punching my vagina like it owed him money and enough was enough.
Since when do my one night stands start sending you friend requests?
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
At what point in a new hookup do you tell the guy you need to wear a mouth guard when you sleepover because of your TMJ? Asking for a friend.
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
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