im surrounded by empty glasses of chocolate milk WTF
The guy I fucked in the port a poty just called me and asked me on a date!
Awkward!
No he was cute and I said yes!
I'm hiding behind a bush in mens clothing next to a ducks crossing sign. There are joggers. Please hurry.
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
we already have meals planned for the weekend.
SEMEN IS NOT A MEAL.
Is there a law against that?
Nope not at all. Just morals. But fuck it, this is college, not real life.
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
He came into your room last night to tell me he was leaving, when I woke up this morning he was facedown in your hallway. He didn't make it very far.
Do not tell me that that is not the face of a man who has sex with goats.
Explain the King Dong next to my face.
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
seriously i don't trust him. he fed me a hot dog out of a crock pot and gave me moonshine dashed jager bombs.
Randomize
