I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
Im in Brooklyn, he wasnt 23 or a musician pick me up
It's a law of Nature, girls naturally hate eachother. It's only when there's no competition for a mate that they can hate each other a little less and then are appropriated into the "BFF" slot.
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
airport. 106 proof japanese liquor. 4 little travel size containers. im proud to be smarter than the average american.
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
His 12 year old sister has bigger boobs than me and now that's all I can think about when we have sex
I wiped my ass with some girl's sock, I would honestly admit if I hate Caitlin's sandwich.
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
He kept saying "Welcome to Indianapolis" over and over while we were having sex...because that's his hometown. I was scared and confused... I didn't know if I should have said thank you or what.
Randomize
