I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
I tapped out to boredom. She bought me a full meal at Subway. Two tap beers and a pretty weak long island iced tea. I'm five dollars cheaper to fuck than she is.
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
So I just did the math and everything in this room except the computer and my clothes has been in my vagina
Yo plow her in the living room were all outside tommy wants to see
He is into some weird shit i walked in his room last night he was waving his hard dick around hitting shit yellin cock fight
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
She swallowed the key to the cuffs, I've been having to explain the pink fuzz all morning.
Just a couple of adults talking about cum shots at 8am on presidents day
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
He went down on me for like 30 min and honestly half the time I thought about those videos where people can smash watermelons with their legs and I just wanted to do that to his skull
Randomize
