It's Friday. Sex?
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
I don't know, but I don't want you to think its ok to show up at my house at 4 am with a gorilla suit and a bucket of pinnapple and think id be ok with it
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
why can't I meet attractive men at the places I like to hang out? like books a million. or the liquor store.
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
I HAVENT HAD A NICE A NICE DICK SINCE FEBRUARY!! I WANNA KEEP THIS ONE!!!
Is it in poor taste to drop acid before midnight mass?
I love this.
I dont know which is weirder.. the fact that i just watched our mom kick ass at beer pong and ride the pole like a true fire girl or the fact that ive never felt closer to her in my life.
i just wanted have a romantic star gaze moment with him. untill he let out a massive fart.
Randomize
