he sent me a naked picture of himself. things got awkward really quickly. but on a positive note he shaved his chest
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
I'll be a little late, "getting ready for the party" turned into "smoking a bowl and doing lines in my room for an hour and a half." But I'm on my way now. With coke. And weed.
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
The Angel on my shoulder is now resorting to merely reminding me that, "You will regret this later." I'm not sure if he's learning how I think or just giving up. Either way, should make life a bit more interesting.
It's like a challenge who can be the biggest embarrassment to the family. I win 80% of the time.
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
He had to put the child locks on the windows so you would stop screaming at random boys
Are you planning on wandering into construction sites drunk and falling down 6' holes?
probably
Now that it's over, I can finally say it and not feel bad,dude. Her mustache is better than yours.
Dude did you see that video of yourself crying while bathing in vodka on YouTube?
In my life time, I want nothing more than to get a blow job while watching Space Jam.
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
Randomize
