as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
Pregnant only lasts nine months, being hot takes way longer to go away. So yes, I will continue to hit on the hot pregnant girl.
Dont ask, hes out back rolling around in the yard freaking out. literally just had a 15 minute conversation, only word i could make out was "yellow"
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
Apparently we were just playing "bang a bridesmaid". I'm not sure if I won or lost...
He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.
On a happier note, I can fit in my old shorts. Dope does have its perks
i'm gonna crowd surf you onto his dick
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
I feel like everything in my life has been preparing me for my future sex robot experience
You’re so close!!!
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