she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
apparently drunk me likes to play hide the puke.. was not a fun time washing all my legos.
He took shrooms and didn't want anyone to touch him. He kept saying he was a chip and he didn't want to break.
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
Of all the things that can be stripped of me i'll be damned if it's my vanity
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
I've orgasmed four times in the past 24 hours. And my mom's dropping off cookies later
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
I think I got a sinus infection from puking out my nose on st. Patricks day #thisis26
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
How you run into a glAss door three times in a row I do not know
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