My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
I guess what I'm trying to say is you've fucked more people than the economy.
and ill be dreaming of you. not in a creepy way, but in an inappropriate way
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
I was informed last night that im not allowed to pick up the bouncers and carry them around anymore. Last sat is starting to make more sense
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
There is a pile of hair outside the apartment next door. At least now I know what all that shouting was about last night.
HOW DO YOU GET TO BE A GROWN-UP AND NOT KNOW WHAT A DECADE IS!?
Swear to god you say cuddle bunny one more time and honest to god I will sacrifice a bunny on the hood of your car
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
I'm smoking a bowl with matches and a candle while my mother washes dishes downstairs. I thought adulthood was supposed to be different.
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
I'm sorry I've been mean recently but tbh it really turns me on seeing you cry so it might happen a lot..... You're a pretty crier I don't get it
yes, i'm a douce. but i'm a high quality douche.
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
Randomize
