420 ftw
they need to just BURY HIM!
its like my vagina has this homing beacon out to all the guys saying "come find me, i havent been shaved in weeks"
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
Please tell me why your entire hallway smells like microwaved condoms.
Her throat is strong enough to gargle peanut butter. I'm sure you were satisfied.
Also, if someone could cut me off before im rolling around the yard pantsless with a 40 year old lesbian that would be awesome.
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
Being an adult is fun. You can experience a break up, then go fuck someone else in the woods.
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
Randomize
