She has a t-rex face on a stuart little body.
i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
so i woke up in some guy's bed but then i realized i can atone for this tomorrow
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
They kept trying to slap each other but they were poring beer onto their hands first referring to it as their baby powder
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
Would it be inappropriate to do a science fair project on whether the type of drunk a person is is determined by nature or nurture
dude you're not even a fucking science major
I just threw up 34 cents. What in god's name did we do last night?
I don't know how to reply to him. 'I'm glad the ecstasy my friend tricked you into taking wore off'...? It just doesn't seem sincere
Well just saw that professor I hooked up with on campus and I look like a dumpster baby
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
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