I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
yes you're required to wear a bikini its the snowpocalypse beach party
I don't think he grasps the fact that I would much rather he finish inside me than on my $400 Anthropolgie bedspread
A guy just washed his hands in the toilet. No joke
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
BTW rolling him off the couch and onto that tarp was pure genius. He definitely pissed himself last night.
Having boobs is probably the greatest thing in the world, free booze all around
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
Thanks for putting up with my drunk friend last night. Its all fun and games till someone pukes macaroni under your fridge.
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
She's hot and all. It's just I don't want to become Eskimo brothers with my sister
That's how pantless uber rides happen
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
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