ohhhh fuckk. chicks a dude.
I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
I just made out with a girl with a life jacket on wtf is going on
They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
I don't think I can look at him the same way anymore after he walked in my room wearing a short skirt with a boner.
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
i'm high and self actualising, please send help
Omg in one week, two guys with their own names tattooed on their bodies had their tongues in my mouth. Self loathing shall commence now.
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
At some point i am going to say to you "i have this really bad idea! You in? " just go with it.
Randomize
