We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
i just met a girl who was sent to the hospital for using her phone as a vibrator and got electrocuted. 4 weeks later she got sent back for shoving a hot dog up there. welcome to the teenage american society
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
They told me you were taking cheese cube shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce... Is this true?
I made out with a guy because he was sitting on my coat...
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
shut up and let me use my vagina as a weapon of self destruction in peace!
I just ate a handful of salt
I thought this was a good idea
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
You ran outside of the party to do the rain dance and swim in puddles
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