Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
you made pancakes with beer, you said they were good. then you threw up 15 minutes later
He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
I don't want end up bound and gagged in the back of a van headed for rehab. Bound and gagged OK. Just not the rehab part.
I don't remember his name but he sat in the bathroom and gave us both advice...
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
So hungover. Walked into room and poached their catering before realized in wrong place. Scowled and ate it anyway
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
Fun times on public transportation. I just had a guy imply that I was racist cause I didn't want to talk to him when I was clearly reading my book and he was clearly on coke.
Your cock has been in the back of my throat. Co-worker is no longer a sufficient title. Fix that shit ASAP
That's too much drama for once a month dick... that's in-house dick drama only
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
I literally just want someone to fuck me and buy me cheeseburgers. I don't even want a relationship at this point. Just a chew toy and some food.
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
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