This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
I'VE CAME 4 TIMES TODAY. I AM AS DRY AS THE SAHARA, STOP YOUR WHINING.
By this time next year I expect us to have full time jobs that we can call out of so we can day drink on beautiful days like this. Oh, and grill.
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
Randomize
