I walked up to her and said hello and wanted to ask her if she had fun last night... she asked me if we had met before.
this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
The last shot i remember taking was toasted to "love, sex, and magic". Needless to say I was 0 for 3 on that toast for the night.
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
Really? How much of his life do you think he remembers? I'm pretty sure 75% of it qualifies as "kind of a blur".
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
I wonder what chicks would think if they learned that when we add them on fb we email their bikini pics to each other.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
I just smoked a bowl with the lady who runs the special olympics. Your move.
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
Well... This is my last night at the resort. So far, the only thing that has been in my vagina is sand.
I use my feet as sexual weapons
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