All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
maybe next time you shouldn't be drinking alone watching intervention at 3 am and no one would think you needed an intervention.
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
Prepare for tons of dick. I mean dick by the bucket loads. Waterfalls if cock.
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
I've orgasmed four times in the past 24 hours. And my mom's dropping off cookies later
Sharknado 3 is going to bring us to alcoghol poisonign
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
Don't take a pillow from my bed. You don't know which ones of them my vagina has been on
What a way to start the day. Staring at penis for 3 hours
It's pretty much my favorite thing ever
When I walked out of the bathroom and you were literally dancing, you looked at me and said 'this is how I dance'. And then continued.
someone is getting fuckign RAWDOGGED on this campus as we speak and it makes me FURIOUS
i just wanted have a romantic star gaze moment with him. untill he let out a massive fart.
Randomize