Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
Also, what is a socially acceptable way to introduce a crossbow in public?
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
I just had the best counseling appointment lets fucking rage
WHAT GOOD IS APPRECIATING IF NOBODY'S NAKED
Noo.... Like in the attic of a crack house with nitrous and fat chicks weird....
Sometimes you've gotta crawl to stay concious
We exchanged spring break stories last night. Open relationships are the best.
We will walk in fields of dick.
You seriously need to stop quoting those songs when i'm with my parents.
He just started dry humping the air... I'm done
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