I'm single ladies-ing it in my kitchen alone. after I just made an intense new breakup cd and before I drown my sorrows by marinating alone in my jacuzzi later. I cant tell if this is a new low or a new high
he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
is it sad that i think every plant i pass on the highway looks like a plant from farmville?
it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
Hands down, the girl passed out in the bathroom was the best looking. Concious or not.
All I remember is yelling RUN as fireworks started going off in the kitchen. Who said that was a bad idea?
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
True enough. Do you ever think that these girls grandparents ghosts are watching you masterbate to their granddaughters and look at you in Shame?
Buying the inflatable beer pong table for the pool was one of the best investments I've ever made
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
I climbed to the top of a stripper pole and touched the ceiling. Accomplishment?
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
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