I'm getting drunk watching the disney channel. Is this a main reason why we aren't together anymore?
Just found 2 diff. colored pubes in my underwear..new record.
she said she likes her vagina punished
being with you and your tiny dick is punishment enough
I need to remember that good judgment goes out the window after the 7th shot and the 3rd Lady GaGa song.
a small fire erupted but we put it out with a can of beer so everything's fine
ur roommate just sent me a pic of us fucking. i'm not coming over anymore.
That bitch ruined vodka saturday
Accidently said "your going to hurt the baby" when he got forceful with his thrusts. I guess I forgot to mention to him that we are pregnant.
Are you high right now?
is that a question or a drake reference?
You got the whole drunk bus to sing, "In The Jungle" while conducting with your glowsticks.
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
Not at all! I'll let your potential employer know you have a huge dick
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
Randomize
