I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
I love memorial day. It's drinking in the name of patriotism. God Bless America
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
Apparently it is frowned upon to ask the bouncer to stop pointing his flashlight in your face and step back so you can puke....and then do it
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
SHE SITS THERE LIKE A DICK LIKE AN ACTUAL DICK JUST LIMP AND DUMB AND BLAH
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
I had to get my boss birth control a work today. I knew going to ASU would come in handy in my career someday.
Tempting guys with beer and cheese. How Midwestern are we?
I need a beard to bite.
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