I know its small, but please -- stop calling it my "weenis".
were doing shots for every snowflake that hits the ground
drunk doesn't even begin to explain it. dude called him and said to bring you back because he'd already called dibs.
i was trying to wake him up so i just kept touching his dick
The guatemalans kept making all these sexual suggestions ... With the corn
How the fuck did you end up in a tree? With multiple people?
she's sitting in the bathroom of SA telling people to come in for a toilet ride
Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
REALLY should have cleaned under my bed before I had my parents come help me pack...things my parents just found: several condoms and a bottle of lube. My mom when she found a condom: "ooo ribbed. Laura's a lucky girl"
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
Sometimes i think i need to stop drinking because i can't afford losing so many panties anymore
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
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