I did that thing where I cum for no reason again.
some girl had on jean underwear. i hate america.
we are learning about oedipus in english. fuck you for making this awkward for me
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
all i remember of last night is that i was drinking jameson and then NOTHING i do remember walking a dog though\nwhich is sooo fucking weird
OH MY GOD ITS COMING BACK I PUT THE DOG IN THE HOTTUB TOO
I kind of feel like BP. I'm dressed in green and absolutely horrible for the environment.
I flossed his teeth and then we had sex in the bathroom. It just seemed like a good idea.
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
Can you bring me the toilet please
I'm watching Part of Your World now and I'm crying and I feel like I'm floating right along with her. This. This right here is some drunken Disney Magic
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
She was riding a razor scooter down the street wearing nothing but a feather boa it was beautiful.
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