I want leopard sheets
haha sexcapades
thats the plan
You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
My brain is officially off for summer until late august. If that guy wants to fuck me, he better do it soon.
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
Packing a mid day bowl in the Sonic parking lot. Have I gone too stoner?
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
Dude. I keep thinking about how I let a man gum my vagina.
I think I just got suckerpunched by a 14-year-old.
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
Randomize
