Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
The only thing I have to prove last night happened is a fireman's hat full of puke.
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
Announcement: Given the sad circumstances regarding the death of my dearest friend Chong the Bong, there will be a brief memorial service for him tomorrow evening at 10:30 at my place. After sharing some memories and sending his spirit off to the great bowl in the sky, we will all take place in the commemoration and maiden voyage of his son, Chong Squared, who eagerly waits to meet all of you. High blessings to you all, piece be with you.
I meant to thank you again for giving up a potential interracial threesome to come to my party. I'm glad you stayed!
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
Brian got his first ever blow job last night. We should make him a scrapbook.
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
I tried eating pop-rocks while giving him a bj, I honestly think I was more disappointed with the results than he was.
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
try to milk me bitch
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