saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
So you coming over for some grilled cheese and head?
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
He's in the hospital yelling at his brother to at least have stuck something "normal" up his ass.
Again?
Omg just opened my passenger side door and my outfit from last night is on the floorboard.
It's hot as dicks out. Lets get drunk on the roof and make pterodactyl sounds at people.
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
What's the worst that could happen? I'm already broke and my leg's already broken
I wouldn't know what to do. You never really mentally prepare for a cactus getting thrown at your face.
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
When creating your wedding guest list do you put the girl you & your fiance had a threesome with under your friends or his friends?
Randomize
