I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
six shots in, he is hammered and doing stretches before each shot
You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
You pulled me aside and handed me a plastic childrens' tea cup full of 151 and said "trust me its a great idea"
The secret to finals week is to have an orgasm for every point you need on the test before you take it.
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
I came so hard I literally levitated off the top of his dick. Gravity was no match for that orgasm!
Finally finished unpacking shit from school n found a bra with no idea whose it is... I miss college so much it hurts sometimes
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
They are in the bedroom next door. We might have a threesome idk. Jesus take the wheel.
GO. DO.
I am Jesus and I am taking the wheel.
Randomize
