Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
like in an apt above a crackhead. A LEGIT CRACKHEAD. he woke me up every morning this week asking me if I wanted to buy a mini fridge and some CDs. at 5 am. EVERY DAY.
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
I need to think of the best way to tell this boy he's not getting his pants back
Boys that pee in my bed don't get happy birthday wallposts on facebook
I just really need a hug and a shower beer
They sleep with other people as long as there is no oral. Logic and reason were thrown out the window a long time ago with them.
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
Im just confused who has their mom break up with someone
I'm in jersey with marbles.. He's blasted about to fuck a manatee and his entire family is trying to stop it. His mother punched me in the chest for not trying hard enough
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
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