Also my back is semi rug burned and I'm holding you fully responsible.
I would love to give you more rug burn
Following a car with a GPS. We don't know where he's going, but he probably has a better idea of where we're going than we do. Also, very high.
ahh summer, the season during which the prefix for every verb is "get drunk and"
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
protesters in toronto definately have the best pot
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
It was everywhere. My dick was a sprinkler of lost future children.
It's six am and her daughter just walked in on her mom and roomful of naked people playing strip spoons. glad Im apart of that childhood memory....
I just got a job offer for Australia. Unfortunately I have given the name of Whitney
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
It's called life, you pretentious bitch. Grow up.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
Randomize
