I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
This morning two of his housemate threw confetti over me, started singing and handed me a make shift trophy out of cereal boxes and beer cans that said 'Harry's Virginity' on it. Fucking brilliant!
its official: beach shits are the exact same as mountain shits
The dorm having an ice machine is their way of inviting us to make mixed drinks.
Its like her house is inhabited by 50 year old lesbian water color artists with a throw pillow fetish
It just makes me feel nauseous. And I don't want to feel nauseous when all I really want is to get off.
he taught all the little kids to ski. it was stupid hot. i'm pretty sure my ovaries exploded.
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
I just woke up naked in a bed with your brother. WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO NOT LETTING EACH OTHER DO STUPID THINGS?
You fucked my brother?!
She should be a lawyer. She convinced her husband to give her a hall pass AFTER he walked in on her in bed with her ex-bf
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