She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.
Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
Well, I can't relate. I have no idea what it feels like to withhold sex. Or have self-control in general.
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
I have a scary feeling my mom might switch her goals from finding me a husband in 2012 to sending me to rehab
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
As we were passing the joint around, people were dunking Jenga pieces in Vaseline and sticking them to the window. I also smoked weed with a girl that was in an above the influence commercial.
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
My coworker's brand new computer showed up today. He's on vacation for the next week. Brian and I are installing Windows 98 on it.
he couldn't get a boner so he asked me to sing you shook me all night long to his penis. I think it was weirder that it actually worked
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
Having random cyber sex while watching to catch a predator just seems wrong.
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
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