Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
Lady next to me is getting american flags airburshed on her nails. god bless the ghetto.
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
He had a ladies night special at his place. Unlimited jello shots till 10, 50 cents after.
Shots and making dong molds for my gf's friends. Typical Monday night activities.
the mexican frat downstairs started singing this mariachi song, then out of nowhere some dude busts out a trumpet and plays along. is this even real?
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
My inner pteradactyl is also confused.
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
He just compared our sex to a grand slam on Wii fitness
You're doing it right
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
It must be love. I'm deleting my porn for him.
I have only been here for a week and might contributed to a dumpster fire on accident.
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