I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
My Higher Power is John Stamos
The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
Took his v-card last night. Yet another experience I didn't expect to have in my thirties.
I can practically hear my vag and my conscience fighting.
It's just like riding a horse. A very tall, gay horse.
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
thanks so much for stopping me from telling him i want to have sex with him while i proceeded to hookup with the air.
the night got glorious when you tried to do an upside down keg stand with a near empty key and dropped it on your face
i got two bottles of merlot and sorrows to drown, you in??
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
I JUST ATE A STRANGE BURRITO, I SHOULD NOT BE EXPECTED TO KNOW ANYTHING RIGHT NOW.
He pushed a skinny white blonde out of the way just to tell me "you have the finest ass, like ever."
I have never loved a nerdy white boy this much.
Unless he's under 18, in which case you put him back where you found him this instant.
That's why i need nudes. Plutonic nudes.
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