Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
THEY SHOULD WARN YOU WHEN THEY MAKE JELLO SHOTS WITH JACK DANIELS!!! THEY SHOULD WARN YOU!!!!!!!
She was about to go down when you guys iced me. Thanks bro
well when mom kept referring to my "black hole of a vagina" and how i devoured all the nuts at the party like i was a pro, i figured my stay was up.
i wanna meet her so much more now that I know she got toed in a hottub.
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
All the drunken hookups over the last year are self destructing, at least something is keeping nursing school interesting
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
He plays guitar, sings like an angel, and acts like a gentleman. If I don't fuck him by the end of first semester, I'm dropping out
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
Randomize
