If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
She deep throated me and when I woke up she made me pizza. I was full of emotions I started to cry.
I just want uncharted vagina. Fresh and ripe.
Just gave a gay guy pointers on how to make anal not hurt. Reevaluation of life choices: in progress.
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup"
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
For someone I see at the bar by herself all the time... I should have know she had a tazer.
Let's make a rule now, to not smoke weed out of our trumpets. After tonight.
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
Randomize
