Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
Go ahead. I tried to back up ur budhism story but she mite be catching on
Dammit. I hoped that would work. Just tell her I'm doing my pilgrmidge to Nepal or something.
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
I love you. I'm too high for this. Find a way. Make it happen. Live strong.
If i pass out for a while at graduation, please atleast TRY to wake me?
You do resemble something that has been used as a chew toy.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
then a garbage truck rolls up to the club, they hop out, and walk right in like they own the place
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
