Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
You're not pinnochio. Lying isn't going to make it bigger.
I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
Using that mug my little cousin painted for me as an ashtray for my weed...at least next time he asks me if I'm using it I can say yes
how does 'resolution to respect myself more' follow 'he fucks me really hard'?
just puked a little into my hand/sleeve. way too hungover for the first day of class
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
I'm hungover from arbor mist I'm so white
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
You cannot steal the fun of my nakedness. You do not own my nakedness. My nakedness is my sole property and I share that fun with whom I choose.
Randomize
