There is something about listening to Patsy Cline while pooping that makes the experience so much better.
We'll cross that bridge when we come to it... Or burn it. Either way we'll deal with it later
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
Lesbians had sex in my bed last night. It's a thing of pride
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
He fell asleep cradling my ass and every time I moved he adjusted his hand accordingly. I've found the one.
Those thigh tattoos deserve the handsomest of grins between them. Dont settle.
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
Would you paint my ceiling for oral sex?
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
He thought it would be sexy if he found my clothes and dressed me, and it was..until he found a thong under his bed and assumed it was mine. It wasn't
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