What are you talking about? And how drunk are you?
Both
some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
All I did today at work was try to remember in vivid detail what your cock looks like.
I feel kinda awkward using the Sesame Street themed Google to search for hot young pussy...
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
We literaly had to peel your fingers off the jose cuervo bottle and lock it in someones room
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
Well we get the HIV results on my birthday haha. It'll be like happy birthday kid, you have AIDS.
you were so blacked last night that you jumped in the lake fully clothed, then just went back to the bar and walked around like you weren't soaking wet.
So, got kind of drunk last night, made out with some guy, and somehow stole his credit card. Don't even know.
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
Hey now one little girl thought it was cool I was covered in blood. Apparently according to her Mom she wants to be a surgeon when she grows up
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Randomize
