I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
I dont think problem is the right word. Problems arent something you enjoy. Life would be too boring without gambling.
somehow I got talked into dressing up like a hot dog, spinning around ten times, and shooting lay ups in front of thousands of students
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
according to the random from alabama i slept with last night i kept saying "poor lil tink tink" over and over in my sleep
They were going around the house breaking things and screaming "Not my house!"
You said that we all need to "head out like a boner through sweatpants and get fucked." Jager night was a success.
She showed me her tits outside Taco Bell....After she flashed the dude working there in an effort to get in.
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
She puked in the bed, peed in the closet, and woke up on a Rubbermaid in the closet under the stair case
I really would enjoy sexual intercourse with you.
Most formal booty call EVER
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
Randomize
