11:03 p.m. Whats a lie i you lovn me. Let's cuddle.
You just made me feel so damn special
never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
almost just walked around my whole building with my bowl in my hand before i remembered 420 isnt a get out of jail free card
She's the second Ashley to meet and blow me in the same night. Sensing a trend.
He's way too stoned. I took him to el bra and he's laying on the table, not sure what to do with him
I think I maybe realized he was too old for me when I went into his bathroom and he had anti aging face cream.
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
On the way to have sex with my ex's roommate... I have hit a new low
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
dad says come back and get the lawn mower out of the pool before mom gets home
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
Randomize
