Ha. Yes. I'm at a strip club. I'm the barack obama of strip clubs
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
Did I ever tell u about how my buddy fucked peter coors's daughter and made a tshirt that said I TAPPED THE ROCKIES with her picture on it?
Should we pre-order food to the ER for cinco de mayo?
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
Dude she said she'd let me snort a line off her ass now I just have to wait for them to break up
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
A little, yeah. We were stealing firewood from the neighbors (drunk), and figured it would be 10 times harder to be angry with us if we got caught if we were naked, and 100% more hilarious.
I thought I was heading girls talk. It was the toilet. Like put my ear to it
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
It isn't easy. I met him at the gym. He wanted to go out he doesn't drive so I drove and he wanted Dairy Queen where his sister is the manager. This is dating in my 20's
Someone had to wrestle her in the chocolate pool, I'm glad I was man enough to step up and do it
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
Randomize
