I think my fart just growled at me.
Still drunk and leading the team through the 9am sales meeting. I'm pretty sure this is why there aren't more 26year-olds in management.
he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
i really wish james franco would like my vagina
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
Do you relize what downtown will be like this week? Like open season. But instead of deer its hot baseball players from all over the country that we'll never have to see again. I swear the college world series is a gift from god.
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
I wrote an entire paper in under an hour about The Nightmare Before Christmas. I was also high as shit and pretty sure I dedicated half the page to the animation but still.
You know that gay bartender? Not as gay as we thought.....
Can't meet up at the party. Gary was caught by the cops attempting to drop a deuce thru his ex wife's Subaru via sun roof. Details as soon as bail is processed.
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
How'd things go with that guy last night?
He threw up in the consol in my car then started crying about his ex girlfriend.
but next to his bed he has a bible, and on the bible he has a pbr coaster and a condom. how can i stay mad at that? Its amazing.
Last night we proved the theory that "harder" is the worst rough sex safe-word ever.
Randomize
