She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.
The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
naighbors jacking off again. i swear its his friday night ritual, its like he knows the night wont be ending in his favor
Fact: The drinking you do in college doesn't affect your liver in real life.
There's a show on the Discovery Channel about T-Rex sex. I think this just made my life.
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
Apparently as I was doing the walk of shame home my dad's date was on her way to hers. hoes come in all ages these days
Going home with an argentinian named sulvio. Ill let you know how it goes.
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
There was a bottle of vodka and chips in a vase next to the bed
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
So many questions...the two most important are, where the fuck is my booze and how did you even get the couch through the door?
Randomize
