please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
Its 4 am and he honestly tried throwing pizza at his ceiling for decorations
So I drew a giant robot attacking a city on the chem test. My TA colored in the fire on the burning building
Um he just came into the kitchen naked to get her purse or something?
i left with the words "thank you for undersanding my sluttiness"
At beerfest, hammered, going to try to not get naked in public but i cant make any promises
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
yeah, i'm not. but i'm ready for free bjs. it's just hard to find women who will give me a beej while i'm sobbing uncontrollably
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
I'm not worried. All I have to do is not be the drunkest painter at 8:00. Golden.
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
Randomize
