Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
maybe touching the ground while going 70 wasn't such a great idea after all..
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
He had me believing he was actually British until he came and used his real voice.
I noticed how good my hair still looked. Apparently rum and coke in it helps it stay curly thru sex. May be using this more often.
For the record it's 1026 and you told me I could leave you in the bathroom.
And I'm ok with his balls touching my ass
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
When we were grinding I think your nuva ring fell into my shoe
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
IT ISN'T. I'M A LITTLE HIGH.
YOU'RE ALWAYS A LITTLE HIGH.
NO. IT'S RARE THAT I'M A LITTLE HIGH. I'M ALWAYS HIGH AS FUCK. THERE'S A DIFFERENCE.
That's why my boobs are so big, they're full of secrets.
I’m ready to be reckless and make stupid decisions, and I need you to support me in that.
Randomize
