i stapled my math hw together with an ear ring, too ghetto?
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
he told me he once ran a blackmarket liquor store out of his house. thats all it took for me to go home with him
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
Wednesday. Otherwise known, to you at least, as "there are two gay men in my bed" day.
I think I explained what happened in the voicemail. But I think I might have just cried and ranted about how cool osiris shoes are
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
Do I really need this much space in my mouth?
Are you already high?
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
My goal is to not catch on fire... But if i have to dance im going to dance regardless of the danger
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
Really, who hasn't had sex on your bed?
ME.
She took her panties off, then farted in my general direction. I guess we're at that stage in our relationship.
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
Randomize
