We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
I feel like I need to get a restraining order against him but I'd probably be the one to break it.
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
Am I really that girl who walks around half naked wearing a cowboy hat begging for liquor at some random guys house
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
At this point, if I'm not getting fucked by a man in ONLY cowboy boots, it's not worth it.
I came in shy and timid. By the end of the night I hulked out broke two lamps, their coffee table, some plates, and still had sex.
yea but i missed the pot and poured the boiling water on my dick. shit hurts. aint nothin easy about that mac
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
Why do we always have to be the people who get blamed for animal intoxication incidents?
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
Randomize
