I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
u know what's depressing? a picture of an owl without a graduation cap
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
you started introducing us as kentucky and gentlemen
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
Our sex bag has now been upgraded to sex luggage, with wheels, and now features a first aid kit. Game. On.
I still have a scar from the last time she gave me a handjob. There is NO WAY i'll stick my dick anywhere near her again
You know how hard it is to play cool while not drowning and appreciating a pair of butts at the same time?
Seeing the pictures of him and i, I'm giving whiskey the win on this one. Definitely had beer goggles.
Aside from having sex with a rando in a toga on george's couch i think taking plan b in the library is the most hashtag college thing i've ever done
There's a girl in class eating a pumpkin pie. Like a whole pie straight from the pan with a fork.
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
So I realize somewhere between mildly irritated and outright belligerently pissed is where you are, but as to location, where are you?
Randomize
