I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
i woke up with "only hugh can prevent florist friars" written up my arm ... i need to know what we did last night
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
He is nice. Kind of short though. But didn't try to rub his jean cock on me.
Which I appreciated.
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
Dry heaving on campus is my new low. Also, go pats
Worst case scenario- he paid me for sex with meatloaf. There are worse thing, right? I mean at least is was good meatloaf.
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
Anne is dead. totally passed out and was flat out in the street
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
You've had it in your mouth, how have you not seen it?
Randomize
