sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
You are colorful like whore, yet adorable, like sad puppy. You need more drink.
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
. Drop what your doing. Were going to Knoxville for midget wrestling. It's the championship.we can NOT miss this.
I can give you five reasons its your baby
and I can give you 10 reasons it's not, but I'm busy so I'll just go with you have the wrong number. And also I'm a straight girl.
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
Happy 4th. Did you guys get your syphilis thing taken care of?
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
I'm the girl holding the bag of goldfish
his penis was like the majestic horn of a unicorn and I came like a million trumpeting rainbows.
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
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