That's when you crack a 10am beer
she said, "is it ok if I touch it?" that's when I knew I was in trouble... I knew she was a virgin but seriously..
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
It was just like old times except for going to hangover throw up before waking my parents up to open presents. Merry Christmas!
As soon as they started using chocolate milk as a chaser for captain Morgan, I thought l it'd be best to leave.
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
Just seen a chubby version of you. Nearly kidnapped her. Perfect woman
Well for decently drunk, in the woods, last-person-i-should-be-hooking-up-with sex, i thought it was pretty good.
I'm watching porn in spanish. Thats studying right?
i dont know the whole gay terminator look is really hot on him
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
so.. he paid for my flight to vegas, took me to shows, bought my drinks and STILL rescued my drunk ass after i ditched him. i HAD to cuddle with him this morning.. fair exchange, right?!
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
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