Apparently he doesn't remember leaving the bar
If I spent $100 at the bar and didn't get laid I wouldn't want to remember anything either
So it wasn't until I came that he pointed out the glow in the dark plastic star still stuck to my forehead. Fun times.
I wish guys would just cum water 'cause you don't have to worry about being pregnant and it'd be like a squirt gun fight
i did the responsible thing and pissed myself...
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
I want to name my colorful bowl Batman. Why? I still have yet to figure it out. But I'm calling it Batman.
Its so bad though\nOur relationship has gotten to the point where im posing nude with a swiffer
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
My sexual preferences tend to require a degree in psychology to understand
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
Randomize
